Why My Marriage Works

I have been told that I have a relationship that many people envy.  Tom and I are happy together, really happy, and for whatever reason, our marriage is sometimes the topic of conversation.

Recently, a new acquaintance said to me, “You compliment each other perfectly.  It is obvious you are truly happy together.” I was flattered.  “How do you do it?  What’s the magic?” she asked.

Well, it really isn’t magic.  It’s agreement.

  • Neither of us is a jealous person, so when the other wants to go to drinks with co-workers after work, neither thinks the other is cheating.
  • We are both natural flirts, so it does not bother either of us when we catch the other in conversation with the opposite sex.
  • We parent together.
  • We make major decisions together.
  • We celebrate each other’s accomplishments.
  • We encourage each other’s dreams.
  • We work together and play together.
  • And most importantly, we laugh– together, at each other, at each other’s expense– it does not matter; we laugh.

What makes our relationship magical?

This Does!

The start of our texting about the night's plans.

The start of our texting about the night’s plans.

Not realizing that auto correct and slippery fingers left my original message unintelligible.

Not realizing that auto correct and slippery fingers left my original message unintelligible.

And when I responded, "Funny," I meant it. I actually snorted in line and Target. That's right, people turned around and stared.

And when I responded, “Funny,” I meant it. I actually snorted in line at Target. That’s right, people turned around and stared.

Yep.  It’s love.

Recently,Someone Asked Me About the Book I Am Writing.

Life is a book.  You write the chapters.  As you live it, it is hard to see the chapters start or end.
Sometimes, life is so awful that one actually thinks, “What if I wasn’t here?”
Sometimes, life is so amazing that one thinks, “God, I hope this lasts forever!”
Nothing lasts forever– good or bad.  It is at the end of the chapters that we can assess our place, our feelings, our emotional stake, and hopefully,  our emotional growth.

Chapter One: Being a child
As a child, I was gregarious.  I loved to socialize. and quickly, I felt the connection with others.  When people responded to me, I responded back.  My synapses charged and grew because of the response I received from others.

Chapter Two: Awakening
I became aware of my surroundings.  By five, I realized that my parents were often at each other’s throats.  I would be awoken in the middle of the night by verbal altercations that no toddler or adolescent should hear.  I do not think my children have viewed a movie that has been so abusive, but at my impressionable young age, my parents’ dysfunction was my reality.

Chapter Three: New Unexpected Role
I became the caregiver.  My mother was in and out of treatment centers.  She was “delicate” and we walked on eggshells around her.  Hence, by the age of thirteen, I was not only a daughter and a student, but I was a caregiver, a household manager, and an ear to my father and brother.  I had a plateful of roles in this chapter, and somehow, I maintained a positive demeanor to most, although usually, I felt like I was sinking.  I tried to end this chapter at sixteen after my mother had faltered yet again.  I swallowed a bottle of Excedrin.  By my calculations, I probably should be dead, but something kept me alive.

Chapter Four:  What About Me?
I suddenly felt empowered.  My parents and their issues, as much as they impacted me, were not my issues.  I decided to try to make more decisions for me.  I joined clubs and sports in high school; I explored avenues I had never traveled down before; I allowed myself to speculate about my future.

Chapter Five: Failure.
Over the course of five years, I could not live my life because I worried too much about my parents and their lives.  I studied in three different places of higher education, and when on the third, I felt at home, the night I felt like I was going to actually make a mark, my father begged me to stay at home because he thought my mother was, once again, suicidal.  I breathed deep and capitulated.  I had been through more than enough suicide scares to know that if he felt it was serious, I could not leave.

Chapter Six: Moving Out.
I decided at 24-years old that I needed to start establishing a life of my own.  I could not be the Go-To-When-Things-Go- Awry-girl any longer.  I had served my time, and I needed to figure out how to live for myself.  I had somehow found amazing friends who were not enablers, and I wanted to explore life without a crutch.  I moved out on my own for the first time, and to be honest, struggling to pay bills felt great!

Chapter Seven: Meeting Tom.
Ah!  Most people say they want a movie-moment: a moment when you say to yourself, “Yes, this is my husband.”  Two hours after meeting Tom, I told my girlfriend that I thought I had just met my husband.  I told my brother, my best friend, and my roommate within hours.  Twenty months later, we were married.

Chapter Eight: Children and Life.
The last fifteen years have been a whirlwind.  Three births. Three parents’ deaths.  Joy and sadness– happiness and despair.  This chapter has not been what I expected it to be, but I have to admit, no were any of the others.  I have a career that is constantly changing and a family that is constantly evolving.  My children are my sense of joy.  My marriage is an amazing accomplishment.  This June 6, it will be fifteen years that we are married.  Fifteen!  I know people who marvel at that number.

Excerpt from Chapter Eight:
Cheryl and Tom stop for a beer at the local pub.   Cheryl engages in conversation with a practical stranger.

“I have to ask, how long have you known each other?” the stranger asks.

“Almost seventeen years.  We will soon have our fifteenth anniversary,” Cheryl says.

The stranger smiles and nods her head knowingly.  “I see it.  You are two people who fit together.  You compliment each other.  That is rare.”

Cheryl smiles.  Sometimes it is difficult.  No one has a perfect relationship.  Yet, she feels empowered by the compliment.  A happy relationship is not a script; it is not a screenplay; it is not a book.   A true happy relationship is one where the two people block out all outside forces and just try to figure out how they can be happy– how they can laugh and enjoy and relish in the moments.

Synopsis:
No one will write the same book.  None of us know how many chapter we have.  If you can, write them thoroughly and happily.  Once you realize you have the pen in your hand, relish in the moments.

Sometimes, the Best Ideas Come from the Strangest Sources

So, I do not know if you watch Survivor, but I do.  Of the 27 seasons (two a year for over thirteen years), I have probably committed myself to 22.  For whatever reason, I did not watch the first two seasons, and somewhere within the sleepless nights and restless days of the first few months of one of my snot-nosed kids beautiful children, I missed another couple of seasons.

It’s great: the alliances; the secret alliances; the double-secret-swear-on-your-dead-grandma alliances (you know, the ones in which neither person swearing has a dead grandma); the challenges, the physical exhaustion and mental toughness– all characteristics that make for a great reality television show.

Last night was the season finale of Survivor Caramoan: Fans verse Favorites.  It was a fun season to watch.  The last four members standing were Eddie, an unlikely fan; Sherri, another fan who made more waves than Eddie in the game; Dawn and Cochran, both favorites from Survivor South Pacific.

Anyway, as all reality television shows go, the cameramen like to pull the contestants aside and ask them questions so that the audience can learn about each person and get a connection.  Right before Tribal Council, a ceremony in which the contestants vote someone off of the island, the cameramen interviewed each remaining cast member.

  • Cochran talked about following his dreams and becoming a writer.  Of course, I felt slightly annoyed.  He will have a best seller before I can say John Jangle Jingle Heimer Schmidt, all because of reality television fame.  Who knows if he has the power of the pen?  He will effectually become an author because of his quasi-celebrity status.
  • Dawn wanted to do more for her six adopted children.
  • I missed Sherri’s interview because I was changing the laundry.  To be honest, I did not think she had a chance in hell of winning, so it was a good time to make sure the wash got into the dryer.
  • Eddie, by far, had the best idea of what to do with one million free dollars. He said if he won, he wanted to open a dog-park-kennel-pet day care type of thing attached to a bar.

How do you say…. Genius!

Cochran graduated Harvard law, but Eddie is the true genius!  How many people do I know who are dog-lovers who love the dog park?  How many of these friends would have more fun if they could indulge in a little libation while playing with their dogs?  Surely, people would come from miles around to exercise their dogs and have a couple of cocktails.  Then, after an hour or two, when the customer gets hungry?   Perfect!  Order yourself a sandwich and a bowl of Kibble for old Fido.

Eddie got me thinking of other ideas I think would work.  I have always dreamed about having a pub with some form of daycare attached.  Why not go out for dinner with the family but have the younger members of the family have fun themselves?  How many times were we in restaurants and our children were bored, asking to leave, playing with sugar packets, or fighting with each other.  Going out to dinner was not enjoyable when the children were young.  It was downright annoying.

But…. if you could go out to dinner and drop your children off in a space where they would be fed, and then they could play, too?  Maybe a place with WII games or Xbox games.  Better yet, why not a bouncy house and a miniature playground.  Kids need to burn off all that energy from the food, and while they are enjoying themselves, mom and dad are luxuriating over their entries, enjoying their conversations, and thinking about a second drink.

Sadly, Eddie did not win.  Cochran did.  As much as I am a little annoyed at the secondary success he will elicit from his performance, I am happy for him.  He did deserve it.  Oh, and as for Eddie– he’s just going to have to keep his dream alive!  I look forward to “The Bark and a Beer” franchise coming to a city near me soon!

(If he uses that title, you heard it hear first.  Officially copyrighted!