January 2, 2013

10:32 AM.  God I love being a teacher.  Poor Tom had to wake up at 6:30 and go to work this morning.  Not me.  I am just now rolling out of bed.  Of course, I didn’t really get any extra sleep because I didn’t even go to bed until  3 AM.  You know how it goes, I got so caught up watching Lindsey Lohan go through her million dollar home make-over that I couldn’t stop watching t.v.  That poor girl, the paparazzi shows up everywhere she goes.  I mean come on, she cannot even commit to a $13,000 sofa because the photographers are outside looking in.  Poor girl.

10:47 AM Yesterday was oodles and oodles of fun, but now it’s time to get down to business.  I don’t know about other people, but I find it completely impossible to start new year’s resolutions on January 1st.  First off, there is all that good college football to watch, and that means we have to have a couple of beers and some junk food.  After dinner, our friend came over for dessert, and who can pass up on some gooey, walnuty, heavenly sweet rolls.  I mean, it would be rude to pass because of “new year’s resolutions.”  Yep, the new year starts now. 

10:51 AM: All right!  The new year starts now!  I think I just lost five pounds!  Who knew I was that “full of shit.”   I mean, I think that my students think I am, but I think they mean it more metaphorically.  Who needs a colonic?  Not this girl!  See, that gooey, walnuty, heavenly dessert caused a shift down below.  It actually helped me start this new year off right!

10:53 AM: It is time for the moment of reckoning.  I have not stepped foot on one of these in a long time.  Please be kind, Mr. Scale.  Please be kind.

10:54 AM: Mother Trucker!  That is not kind!  That is nowhere near kind!  How unkind can you be!  Jeez, I have my work cut out for me now.

Oh, you want to know what it said, do you?  Well, you know what they say, never ask a woman her age or what she weighs.  I am willing to share my age, but my weight…. let’s just say I weight more than the World’s Largest Ball of Tape but less than an NFL linemen.  My goal is to drop out this cinder block I have been carrying around for the last eight years.  It”s kind of heavy, and I really would like to get rid of it.

11:31 AM: Ummm.  Lunch.  The first lunch of the new me.  Hmmm.  I know!  I will saute a green pepper and an onion, and mix it with the left over pork loin!  Oh yes, it will be scrumdillyumptious, I tell you, and it will be a healthy meal!

11:59 AM: I was right!

1:01 PM: (Hearing a voice in my mind, staring into the sole of my sneaker.)  It’s down there.  It’s realllllllly down there.  Why, huh?  Why would a nice girl like you not want to use this equipment?  Feeling pretty crappy, huh?  Why?  Do you know that the machine likes  you.  It really likes you.  It’s got something in mind for you.  Aren’t you curious about that?  I’m curious.  I’m very curious.  Are you curious?  There’s something happening down there, man.  You know something, man?  I know something that you don’t know.  That’s right, Cheryl.  The machine is clear in its mechanisms, but its lack of use makes it mad.  Oh yeah.  It’s bored, I think.  It hates all this lack of activity.  It hates it!  But the machine’s a…. It has programs, all right.  And a fan…. It likes you because you’ve set a goal.  It’s got plans for you.  No, I’m not gonna help you.  You’re gonna help yourself.  You’re gonna help yourself.  I mean, what are they gonna say when you’re lazy?  Cause when your motivation dies, it stops, and you stop!  What are they gonna say about you?  You were a kind girl?  You were a wise girl?  You had plans?  You had ideas?  Bullshit, man!  Am I gonna be the one that’s gonna set you straight?  Look at me!  Wrong!….You.

And like Simon who could not look into the mouth of the Lord of the Flies, I passed out.  When I awoke, I knew what I had to do.

2:14 PM: Let the exercising begin!  I don’t want to let down my sneakers.

(Oh yeah, I do like Apocalypse Now, don’t you?)